What Once Was Lost
by Wine-into-Water
Summary: What once was lost.......can never be found again...or can it?
1. Default Chapter

What Once Was Lost  
  
Chapter 1/4  
  
Disclaimer: NBC, WB & John Wells own everything, I'm merely playing around with the characters  
  
Authors note: Not much to say about this one really. Just started jotting things down and ended up with this. But for those of you who think I take to long to update (and yes I know I do) you'll be happy to know that this one is almost all done, just a little finishing here and there :) Hope you like it.  
  
Feedback: Yes please, always appreciated, good or bad. I need to know what you think.  
  
E-Mail: Wine_into_Water@hotmail.com  
  
Distribution: I was actually asked about this the other day :) If you want it, take it :) Just let me know where it's heading :)  
  
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The sun was slowly starting to disappear into the water, waves crashing on the jagged rocks that were beneath the cliff. Nothing could be heard except for the crashing waves and the occasional cry of a lonely seagull. On the edge of the cliff sat a man in his late thirty's. He wore a faded pair of blue jeans with a rip in the knee, sneakers and a wrinkled navy blue t- shirt. His shaggy brown hair almost covered his lifeless blood shot blue eyes.  
  
He sat there staring at the water, hating it so much that it made him sick. But he couldn't pull himself away. It was his punishment. Every day he would come here and watch the sunset and listen to the waves. To anyone else it would have been peaceful and beautiful, a little piece of heaven on earth, but for him it was the exact opposite, it was hell and he did it to himself on purpose, to make himself pay for the things he had done.  
  
The sun finally disappeared into the ocean and the world was dark except for the pale light the moon had cast. He sat there a little while longer and when he thought that there was no way he could endure the memories any more he wiped a lonely tear drop from his cheek and pushed himself up and slowly walked down the path of the cliff. He headed towards a run down diner that wasn't to far down the road. He didn't know why he would ever show up in a place like this but ever since he pulled into town over a month ago something had drawn him to this place, So every night after sunset he would go there and order his supper. The meal was awful, no matter what he ordered it was always almost inedible, the coffee was like tar. But he stayed and he ordered and he would sit in the same booth night after night drinking the coffee and staring blankly out the window until the sun would start to come up.  
  
He would catch odd jobs here and there to get him by, Some were better then others. None of them were what he loved to do, what he always wanted to do but he couldn't go back to that life anymore. He had been the one to make the mistake and it had cost him everything. He wouldn't stay in one town more then a few months. When he started getting comfortable with it he would move. He couldn't stay still. He was running away from every one and every thing.  
  
It was shortly after 11Am when he got back to his room. He went to the bathroom did a quick wash then went and got into bed. He laid flat on his back and rested his arm over his eyes, Slowly the sounds of the outside world faded away and he drifted of too sleep....  
  
~*~  
  
"Damn it!"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"It's Fred, he didn't go and pick Emily and Charlie up from school."  
  
Bosco looked down at his watch, it was already after five. "You mean they are still sitting over there?"  
  
"Yes, that was the house saying the school just called them."  
  
"Why did they wait so long? School's been out for hours already." Bosco asked with anger starting to be noticeable in his voice.  
  
"Fred is always late, I guess they thought he would show."  
  
Bosco gave her a look of concern as he got back into the drivers side. Faith read his thoughts and continued. "Fred and I haven't been so good lately......he...he started drinking again and well we know what happens then."  
  
"Faith why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"You know me Bos I thought I could handle it on my own."  
  
"You shouldn't have to Faith, you know I'm here for you."  
  
"I know you are Bos, it's just....look can we just swing over there and pick them up? We can drop them off at the apartment and Sally can baby sit.  
  
"Yeah of course we can." Bosco said as he clicked the squad in drive and pulled out of there parking spot.  
  
The school was not that far so it didn't take long for them to get there. Bosco had tried to get Faith to talk about it on the way but she just kept trying to change the subject. He didn't want to make her more upset so he just dropped it and rode the rest of the way in silence.  
  
They pulled up in front of the school and saw Emily and Charlie sitting on the stairs. Faith called them and they came running glad to see her. Faith greeted them then placed them in the back of the squad. They started to drive towards Faiths. Em and Charlie busily and happily filling in Bosco and Faith in about there day. Just a couple blocks away from the apartment a blue chevy pick up flew past them going well over the speed limit.  
  
"That son of a ..." Bosco remembering that the kids were in the car caught himself in time and gave an apologetic look to Faith who just smiled back.  
  
"Can we chase him? Huh can we? Uncle Bos can put on the sirens and everything. Can we?!" Charlie asked excitedly from the back seat. Emily soon joining in.  
  
Looking over at Faith for permission he flicked on the sirens and pushed on the gas.  
  
"Bosco slow down, let him go. The kids are in the car."  
  
Ignoring Faiths words and even that little voice inside his head that was screaming this was a mistake he listened to Charlie and Emily and continued with the chase. He didn't think it would last this long, he honestly thought it would be just a routine speeding ticket but the guy kept running, obviously he was hiding something so they continued after him. Streets flashed by as the speeds got higher and higher. Finally realizing that this was getting to much for them with the kids with them he told Faith to call for back up.  
  
Faith did and soon Sully and Davis had pulled in behind them. Faith radioed them to pass that they had to quit. The kids were grumbling something about spoiling all the fun. Sully and Davis were about to pull out to pass when out of now where there was a loud bang. They had run over something to cause the tire to blow. Bosco tried to control the car but they had been going to fast, the car started spinning in circles still moving forward. It was hard to focus on anything at the speed they were spinning but he did notice that on one side of them Sully and Davis were still there, he could hear Davis calling for help on the radio, something about water. He focused more as they spined again and that is when he saw it, they were getting close to the bridge. Out of reflex he slammed on the brakes. It was the worse thing he could have done, they started skidding towards the side of the bridge, they crashed through the small wooden planks and pylons that were set up on the side of it because of construction and then they started to go over. All he could hear was the screams of Faith, Emily and Charlie. He could see the water getting closer....  
  
He woke up with a start. His shirt drenched with sweat, he was breathing so hard that he had trouble catching his breath. He looked around him trying to figure out where he was. Hoping that he was back at his place and that it had all been a bad dream. In that brief moment as he looked around the room he figured out where he was. He was in that dingy room not far from the water or the diner. He laid back down. He wasn't back home, it hadn't been a dream . It had happened, six years ago he drove them off of that bridge, six years ago he lost three of the people that mattered the most to him.  
  
He got out of bed and changed his shirt and threw on a pair of jeans. He headed out the door and down to the diner, He didn't have anywhere else to go. He couldn't go back to the water just yet, not until later. So he walked in and went and sat down in his booth and stared out the window waiting for the waitress to come and pour him some coffee. He soon was lost in thought again as he thought back to what happened. He didn't remember hitting the water or how he had gotten out. The only thing he remembered after that was waking up in a hospital bed with Mikey of all people sitting in the chair beside him....  
  
~*~  
  
"Where am I? What happened?"  
  
Mikey jumped at the sound of Bosco's voice, "Mo you're awake! I'll be right back with the doctor." He went to get up but he was stopped as Bosco's hand clasped around his arm.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Mikey looked towards the floor for a moment then into Bosco's eyes, "There was an accident......"  
  
At that moment as he heard the word accident, he flashed back to what had happened. He saw it all again, he heard there screams again. "Where are they? Are they ok? I want to see them? NOW Mikey!" He tried to get out of bed but was to weak.  
  
Trying to keep him in bed Mikey replied,"It's best you just stay here and rest."  
  
"Mikey tell me where they are. I want to see them."  
  
Mikey took in a deep breath and looked at him again. "Mo....I'm sorry....they um."  
  
Bosco could feel himself about to be sick, he wasn't hearing Mikey right, he couldn't have been.....  
  
They had kept him in the hospital over night but released him in the morning. He had gotten visitors but wouldn't see any one. He just left and went straight home. He stayed there for a couple of days, not going out, not answering the door or the phone. The only time he had left was to go to the funeral. When he had gotten there Fred had seen him and jumped on him, screaming that he had killed his family. After they had gotten Fred off of Bosco Sully came up and suggested that he leave, because of what it was doing to Fred. No one seemed to know or care what all this was doing to him. it was then he realized he couldn't stay. So that night he packed up some things and left, he never looked back he just kept running.  
  
~*~  
  
A loud crash brought him out of his thoughts, he looked up to see his waitress staring at him, a pot of coffee and a coffee cup lay broken on the floor.  
  
"Oh my God."  
  
At the sound of her voice he turned his gaze back to her, His heart stood still. He felt a chill shoot through him, his body slowly getting numb..... 


	2. Chapter 2

What Once Was Lost  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Authors note: Quick little note at the bottom, but wanted to say thank you so much for the feedback, You guys are the greatest. (sorry for spelling in this one, my spell check isn't working :( )  
  
Feedback: You know i crave it.  
  
Email: Wine_into_water@hotmail.com  
  
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She didn't say a word, she just stared back at the man sitting in front of her. Another waitress had come and started cleaning up the mess that she had made and was trying to get her attention but she hadn't even noticed. All she could see was the man in front of her. A man that she once knew inside and out and now realized just by the sight of him that she no longer knew him in any way.  
  
Her knees were week, her breath caught in her throat, tears welling up in her eyes. "Bos?" She managed to get out with a trembling voice.  
  
He just continued to stare at her like she wasn't real. Like as if any moment she would just disappear.  
  
With more confidence she said his name again and reached for his hand. She felt his warm skin under her finger tips an overwhelming calmness filled her, not once in six years had she felt this way. It was short lived.  
  
At her touch he jumped back as if he had been burned, he slid out of the booth and ran out the door never looking back.  
  
She was shocked at his reaction, she ran after him calling his name but he didn't slow down, he just ran and ran. Finally she caught up with him when he turned in to a dead end ally.  
  
"Bosco wait! Please.....Please." She pleaded.  
  
He looked at her with a pain she had never seen in his eyes in all the years she had known him.  
  
"Bos I....I..." She started not sure how to start or what to say.  
  
"I was driving." He said quietly as he interrupted her.  
  
His words felt like a knife going through her heart.  
  
"I was driving......It was my fault, mine!...They said so... It was mine!...I should have known better."  
  
She reached for his hand again but again he pulled back like a little boy scared.  
  
"I was driving to fast...I was should have stopped.....I...I should have....."  
  
She couldn't bare to see him like this. She knew that when she left all those years ago, He would blame himself and she tried to fight them, to get them to let her tell him but they wouldn't let her, she had to leave it all behind. She had to leave him behind  
  
"Bos...."  
  
"SHUT UP! Quit calling me that! You're not real. You're not real, You're not her! I killed her! I KILLED HER!....I killed them." Tears fell down his cheeks.  
  
She walked closer to him, tying to get close enough to touch him, prove to him that she was standing right in front of him. But he just kept backing away,shaking his head and repeating those words over and over again. He backed himself into a corner. She reached for his hand and grabbed it. He tried to pull away again but this time she didn't let him. She held on to him as if there lives depended on it, and they did.  
  
"Bos, It's me." He didn't look up at her. He was lost in his own world. Then she took his hand and placed it over her heart. "Bos, It's me...I'm real."  
  
With sad eyes he gazed into hers, He wanted to believe this woman standing in front of him. She was so real. He could feel her heartbeat under his hand, and the warmth of her body. Everything in his body screamed at him she was real, but it couldn't be.  
  
"Bos, it's me." She was pleading with him to believe her.  
  
Bosco shook his head and with a defeated voice he explained himself. "You're not her. You can't be her. She wouldn't have done that to me.....I know she wouldn't....she wouldn't let me believe that i killed her and those kids....she wouldn't....she couldn't...we were stronger then that....." He looked into her eyes again and saw tears threatning to fall, one slowly sliding down the side of her cheek. He felt her hand tighten around his. "Weren't we Faith?"  
  
She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Her air had disappeared. She felt her stomach tighten, her knees loose there strength, She phycially felt her heart break as a chill shot through her body. She tried again, "Bos, I'm sorry...I tried I..."  
  
He shook his head."Don't Faith....Don't. Please I can't take it anymore." He pulled his hand from hers as he took a few steps back. "I would have done anything for you. You know that. I have done anything for you...and you let me believe that you were dead. You didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, did you?"  
  
"It wasn't like that..."  
  
"I would have told you, It wouldn't have mattered the reasons Faith. I would have found away to tell you, You know i would have...." He took a breath and quietly continued. "There hasn't been a night that has went by were i don't wake up with those screams echoing in my ears, where i don't close my eyes and see the water getting closer to the car, where i don't pray, or beg or offer to sell my soul to take that day back...You were the only person i had in my life that mattered Faith. The only one that gave a damn....or at least I thought so."  
  
She understood where he was coming from but it still hurt to hear his words, "Bosco that isn't fair. You know i would have if i could."  
  
He walked up beside her, he wanted nothing more then to hug her and make all his pain go away, but something inside wouldn't let him. Instead he leaned in by her ear and whispered, "You're not her....the Faith I knew died that day...she doesn't exist anymore." Without waiting for a response or even looking back he walked away.  
  
She turned around and watched him go. Her knees gave way and she fell to the ground. "Bosco please don't go!!...Please!" She yelled, but it had fallen on deaf ears.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Authors note: Yeah i know it's not what you expected but give Bosco time he has issues, besides it's me writing here :) am i known for my happy outlook on things.....not so much. But don't run away yet never said this was going to be all depressing....or did i? anyways stay tuned for what comes next. 


	3. Chapter 3

**What Once Was Lost  
****Chapter 3**

There he sat again, watching the sun slowly disappear into the ocean. He was trying to figure out what had made him leave her sitting there calling his name. How after all the prayers and pleading he did that he could just walk away from her and as much as he tried he couldn't come up with an answer.

"Why Faith?"

A small smile spread over her face, even after all these years he could still sense when she was around. The smile didn't last when the guilt she carried came flooding back. She walked over to where he was sitting and sat down beside him. Not looking at him but watching the sunset, she began to speak.

"You crept up from the back. You had stood there for about twenty minutes or so. Nobody noticed you had even showed up but a little bit at a time you stepped forward until you were right in front."

Bosco turned his head to her listening to what she was saying. Trying to figure out what she was talking about.

She didn't dare look back at him. If she was going to get this finished she had to stay focused and looking into his sad eyes wasn't going to accomplish that.

"You were carrying three long stemmed white roses, not red like everybody else, but I figured you did that because you remembered Emily loved them."

Bosco closed his eyes and bent his head down, He figured out what memory she was talking about.

"You were about to walk up to rest them on the coffins when Fred saw you. Before you took another step closer he had you to the ground." She paused deciding to skip over what she had heard Fred say. "The roses went flying to the side. Davis and Jimmy had pulled Fred off of you and Sully pulled you to the side, in a minute you pulled back from Sully clearly hurt by what he has whispered to you. You took another look at the coffins and then you walked away...That's the memory that keeps haunting my dreams. Not the water or the screams but the pain…the pain I saw in your eyes that day."

Bosco took a minute to processes this new information. His head still reeling with the fact Faith was sitting beside him alive and well, now to find out she had even watched her own funeral. Watched the ones she supposedly cared for say their good byes.

"You were there?"

Faith hung her head, ashamed of herself.

"In a car across the street...It was the only way I could say good bye."

Bosco felt sick to his stomach, how could he have been so insensitive? Just because she was sitting beside him didn't mean...

"To the kids?"

Faith shook her head slightly.

"To you." There was a long pause before she continued. "I had always wanted to tell you but they said there was no time that we had to get moving. There wasn't going to be another opportunity like the one the accident had provided."

"Opportunity for what?"

"To disappear... nothing was supposed to happen for two weeks, that was when they had another accident all set up. Those two weeks would have given me the chance to tell you...but when we went over that bridge the plans changed."

"They?"

"I told them I could trust you. That you wouldn't say anything but they insisted that it was against the rules. So I had decided I would tell you anyway… but I never got the chance."

"Faith I'm not getting it. Who are they and why did you need to disappear?"

"Remember about a month before all this I had went down to Jersey? Well I went by myself. Fred and I had a fight and he took the kids to his parents and I took off to Jersey. I needed some time to think."

Bosco nodded letting her know he had remembered the week she took off. He had gotten stuck with Sully for a partner. It was one of the longest weeks in his life but apparently he was about to hear that his week had been nothing compared to Faiths.

Faith still didn't look in his direction instead she continued to watch as the sun disappeared into the ocean.

"I hadn't been paying attention really just wondering around thinking about Fred and I. Somehow I ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I saw things and heard things I never should have. Problem was, they saw me too."

Bosco kept listening finally putting the pieces all together.

"They found out I was a cop, they needed me gone and out of the way. I hadn't wanted the protection program but after a scare with the kids. I had no choice Bosco."

"They went after the kids?"

Bosco had waited for more details, an answer to his question but if the Faith sitting beside him was still the Faith he knew back then he knew she wouldn't tell him anymore then she had too.

Different emotions began to fight for control, hurt, betrayal, anger. Not having the time to tell him had been a crock. Faith would have told him if she had trusted him. He knew that.

"So why didn't you say something Faith? You knew I would have helped you."

Faith finally looked at him. Not sure how to tell him the next part.

" I know Bos, That's why I didn't tell you. You would have driven yourself crazy watching out for the kids and me. Trying to stop the bad guys. I wasn't going to put you in danger."

"So instead you just let me believe I had killed you. Much better Faith." The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to realize what he was saying. Guess some things never changed. He opened his mouth to apologize but Faith shook her head letting him know he didn't have too.

"I get it Bosco, all to well. But I did what I had to do to keep my kids safe."

Shame won the battle of the emotion war for now. How could he blame her for trying to keep her kids safe? He would have done the same thing if the shoe had been on the other foot…he thinks anyway. He's not so sure that he could have let Faith think he was dead not for any reason specially if she was blaming herself for six years.

"So Charlie and Em their both ok?"

Faith nodded. "You could say that. Charlie, he handled everything really well. He's growing up to be such a young man. Emily didn't take it as well; she never got over the fact we left Fred behind. She hates me Bos."

Bosco looked at her in shock.

"Fred isn't with you?"

Faith could feel her face getting hotter. She tried not to think of the people she left behind specially Fred and Bosco. There wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't eaten with guilt that she allowed two of the people that cared most about her to think she was dead. Bosco was one thing but with Fred she had the chance to have him come along but she had told them no. It would be better for her and the kids if he never knew where they were. That decision had been the hardest one of her life. It had cost her Emily. But she couldn't take the chance on Fred. He had been drinking again and it seemed to be getting out of hand. What was going to happen if one night Fred wasn't paying attention? Like that day at the school, he had known part of what was going on and yet he still managed to forget to pick them up. Emily may have hated her, despised her very existence but at least she was alive and even now after knowing what she knows Faith would make the same decision again if she had to.

"You know we were having trouble, I couldn't chance it."

"He wouldn't have done anything to hurt you or the kids. You know that Faith"

"I wasn't going to take that chance Bosco. Ok?"

Bosco knew he should back off of the subject. Maybe if he had a chance later he would ask her more about it. But he couldn't understand how Faith could have just left Fred thinking she was dead.

"I know a couple of kids who would love to see you"

He knew she was trying to change the subject but how could he pass up the chance to see Em and Charlie. A smile spread over his face.

"I can?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Faith you just told me you were under some sort of protection. It can't be safe to just let people in."

She smiled. The same smile he remembered the one he hadn't seen in years.

"You're not just anybody. You're Bosco."


End file.
